2009-05-14

Mums and daughters

The mum and daughter relation is often in my thoughts. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful daughters - Miss Winty and Miss Mocca. I call them that because Winty is the day and Mocca is the night. It also refers to the colour of their eyes, the colour of their hair - and in a way to their inner strength. I have a very close bond to both my daughters - on 2 different levels though. Miss Mocca is always seeking for my advice and for my approval. Winty never asks for advice - and I've earned her respect by never giving her what she doesn't want and doesn't need.

One of the most significant things I've said to my daughters - and they often remind me of this - is that "should I ever become like my mother, make sure to lock me up and throw away the key". It's a horrible thing to say, I know - but it's true.

I do care for my mother - but she failed to earn my respect. Due to mistakes she made in our relationship many, many years ago.

Like most mothers mine always wanted to give me 'good advice'. Based on hers or on third parties experiences. - The result of that was always that I felt attacked, and automatically went in defense mode. Bottomline is, that my mothers advice is expressed as critizism of me. The way I am, the choices I make for myself and my children, my husband, my job, my interests. It's all very nice - but...... And it's the 'but' that I focus on, because it's been big fat but ever since I was 3 years old. I'm a great dissapointment to her, and I will never be able to fullfill her expectations on me, no matter how hard I try.

So I stopped trying. For my own well being. To survive. And moved far away. So she can't come around and ask me why I don't have curtains in the bedroom, or why I don't get myself a better job or get some friends etc. Because the truth is - I don't want a better job. I don't want a lot of friends. I'm satisfied with what I have. And I don't like curtains in my bedroom. I don't want a house. I don't want to travel low-budget. I travel 1st class and stay on 5-stars hotels. So maybe I cannot afford to go abroad 5 times a year. But I settle with my 4 weeks each summer and a short shopping trip in December. - Because I'd rather spend more time with Winty and the things she likes to do. Weekend stays and a Saturday night at 'Hovet' or in 'Globen'. Listening to our favorite bands.

I wish my mother had spent time on reflections. It's so obvious that parents can't live their childrens lives and children can't live their parents lives. It makes logical sense - at least to me.

If I want advice - I ask for it. From wise people. From people I respect.


If Winty wants my advice - she'll ask for it. - Mocca asks - she thinks I'm very smart-:)

Who my children chooses to live with or be friends with is not for me to judge. It's their choice. And I don't critize. I have no right. Instead I focus on the positive qualities that their friends and boyfriends possess. I mean - they like my daughters so they must be nice people, right!?! - And try to get to know them and earn their respect. I think I owe that to my daughters.

To be able to be happy for your children and share their joy instead of pointing your finger, you need to consider what kind of relationship you want to have with your children. Especially with your adult children. And I want to have a mature relationship with my daughters. I want them to send me positive thoughts.

Winty and I both read a lot of books. And exchange thoughts about the topics we read about. Which is developing for both her and for me. I think she is a very smart little lady (I secretly call her my mini-philosopher). She has interesting views on many things in this life. I'm very proud of her. And I'm not afraid to tell her that.

I'm no longer my childrens mother who guides them through hard times and tells them when to study and when to go to sleep. I'm their older mum-sis who asks them for advice if I need one. - The only difference between us nowadays is that my chistmas gifts for them are still much too expensive-:).

My mother and I will never get to that point. And that's sad. I can't deliver her the key to a better relationship, because she feels that I'm the reason for the not so warm vibes.

Despite our mutual blood, we live on 2 different planets. I faced so many obsticles in my life that I really needed to turn to the insight of myself to find out how to handle life. Asking me the question "what can I do to make sure that my children will get a better relationship with their parents than I have with mine". I can only hope, that I will continue to respect my daughters integrity even in the future. I really don't want to end up feeling unappreciated by my own children.

Cheers,
Asta

2 comments:

Christopher Raun Leth said...

I think common respect is important in all relationships, be they between family, between friends or between colleagues. And respect is not something that comes by itself. It's earned over time and easily lost again. Some think that respect is something given by birth right or by age or by social possition. Actually it's given by others because of our behavior and way of dealing with others. And when lost it's extremely difficult to regain.

Asta said...

It's true. And this counts in every aspect of life. Respect is difficult to achieve, but so easy to loose.

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